Semi Final Two – Mopey Chris Hemsworth

Anaab and I are back to give you the lowdown on the second semi-final. After recovering from Tuesday’s injustices, and hopefully not failing my exam on Wednesday as a result, I’m ready to jump back into the fray as a wannabe Graham Norton.

Latvia first with Mopey Chris Hemsworth. Sounds like an average tune you’d hear in a dodgy Bournemouth nightclub, but Anaab thinks he could “do with some singing lessons”.

Poland then performs What Colour is Your Life? Anaab says green. Maybe it’s because she feels sick listening to all of this.

Switzerland has once again sent in a Canadian participant. Starting to think there aren’t many talented people in Switzerland willing to enter the contest. Rykka is doing a strange half-sitting, half-standing dance move that Anaab claims “looks like she’s taking a shit”.

Belarus began with a naked man and a CGI dog. Things can only go up from here, I guess. Update: multiple holograms of the singer playing different instruments just appeared. “He’s so obsessed with himself, honestly” states my disgusted housemate.

I’m delighted with Serbia. Thus far, she’s been the only entrant in this semi that can actually sing without going flat. Well done Serbia! Anaab hopes they win. If they don’t get through to the finals I may quit Eurovision…

Ireland now! Westlife star Nicky Byrne. You can tell why he wasn’t really a soloist during his time with the band – he sounds more like a backing singer than a lead.

Returning now to genuinely impressive singers, Macedonia’s Kaliopi belts out the word “woman woman woman woman” over and over. Props to the country for singing in their own language. She reminds me of Bonnie Tyler – apart from the screaming at the end.

Mel Giedroyc is correcting our Lithuanian. The entrant sounds a like a cross between Bryan Adams and Bruce Springsteen – two of my favourite artists.

Our TV broke during the high note of that performance, so I missed Australia and Slovenia. I slightly resent Lithuania for breaking my telly. Doesn’t look like I missed a hell of a lot though.

Bulgaria seems fun.

Anaab is enjoying Denmark’s performance as it is “full of cute boys”, even though her favourite really can’t sing. It’s cheesy as hell, but it sounds like the sort of thing you could sing when you’re stumbling home from the pub.

Ukraine seems to be having a mental breakdown on stage.

Norway has done something really cool and has entered a Sami vocalist. Sami people are one of the only indigenous tribes left in Europe, so it’s pretty awesome they’re being represented at the international level.

Georgia has sent in their very own version of the Arctic Monkeys. I usually like the Georgian entries, though – they often send in cool rock numbers which are a breath of fresh air from the dance tracks and power ballads. Here’s the one I was thinking of: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJ7SGWZt9Zo

Belgium is up last, and finally a disco track. This is what Eurovision is all about. She’s a bit like Katy B, and Scott Mills is onto something when he compares it to Fleur East’s Sax. Catchy tune.

All my favourite entries got through, so I’m not left as distraught as I was on Tuesday. I’m hoping that none of these entries will haunt my dreams, like Estonia did during my exam. It’s hard to write a history of the Ottoman Empire when you’re being mentally stalked. Anaab thinks I am secretly into the dude, but Neo-Nazi isn’t my type.

Well, now we know who is going into the final – whether we think they deserved it or not. Join me on Sunday to see what me, Anaab, and my party guests made of the big night.


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